Don't try this recipe at home

We’ve seen them before. Recipes which are so hard to even contemplate, that you require a BEX and a lie down just by thinking about them.

Here's a few tips to spot the recipe that you shouldn’t attempt

‘Now take your Bison haunch hung for 7 months…..’

‘Turn the deep fryer up to 182.3 degrees…..’

‘Adding the twelfth layer of the cake is quite simple….’

‘Maggie, Stephanie and I just giggled like Schoolgirls when we…..’

‘Have your housekeeper retrieve the jar of Ghost Orchids in nectar from your cellar….’

‘For the custard, Kopi Lewak beans are essential; do not attempt this without them…’

‘The circulator should only have a flutter of excitement rippling on the surface water……’

‘After one week marinating in Llama milk, the pig Labia’s will be sufficiently dilated….’

‘If Xactopotl 99% coca beans aren’t available, use Cadburys Old Gold….’

‘If you are able to get close enough to the decomposing cadaver with retching, it’s not ready yet….’

‘The children will enjoy guessing which of the eggs has the fossilised duck embryo in it…’

‘For authenticity, freshly milled Dogwood logs from the lower Tarkine must be used in your smokehouse….’

‘First obtain your gun licence….’

‘Making sure your Yacht is securely moored before getting the captain to haul in the Tuna…’

‘Feel free to add any more…..’

CWA to allow packaged biscuits in competitions.

The Queensland Right faction of the CWA have defied calls for sanity from their southern counterparts with their decision to allow packaged biscuits into CWA cooking competitions.

Charters Towers CWA President Doreen McClamrock defended the move.

"This is just reflective of how Australians cook today." McClamrock says, " It takes a great degree of skill to unpack the full Family Assorted without chipping a Teddy Bear. A well presented Monte Carlo is not to be sneezed at."

Leaders of the Independent faction within the CWA are retaliating by seeking to have McClamrock expelled from the Association for gross breaches the organisation's fund-raising rules and failing to bring a plate to several meetings.

Speaking under the promise of anonymity, our sources say that McClamrock's rise to power coincides with supermarket sponsorship of the CWA and influence from the Australian Arrowroot Growers Society. CWA members are the only known Australian consumers of arrowroot biscuits.

An Independent-sponsored motion for a special state conference on the issue was defeated by the Right.

Gourmet Traveller Vs Tripadvisor

Australia’s most accurate and unbiased restaurant review authority, Tripadvisor, is taking the fight for the last word in who’s the best to Gourmet Traveller magazine.

GT who annually publishes its 100 best restaurants in Australia list puts its winners in each state up against the might of Tripadvisor-You be the judge!

	Tripadvisor	Gourmet Traveller
Sydney	Oxford Social	Quay
Melbourne	Cerebus Beach House	Cutler & Co
Brisbane	Sono	Esquire
Adelaide	Enzos	Vincenzo’s Cucina Vera
Perth	Opus	Restaurant Amuse
Canberra	Morks	n/a
Hobart	Solo pasta & pizza	Garagistes
Darwin	Hingston Chinese T/a	n/a

Match the restaurant with the Urbanspoon review

While the wisdom of crowds is best displayed when you hand them a pitchfork and a lit torch, crowdsourcing restaurant reviews has become a popular way for websites to avoid paying writers for anything and keep diners entertained while they eat and stare longingly into their phones. So here’s a game: match the actual Urbanspoon restaurant review with the restaurant.

The Review

1. "Everything was drowned in salt I felt sick after eating here! Needs to have more flavour not salt"
2. "Don't go...group of 4 went last weekend - So disappointing!!! 13 courses - only 1 would any of us had wanted to eat again, service was average, timings of the meal were off. No idea how they have gotten 3 hats"
3. "Incredibly underwhelming, really expected more. And what's with the music???"
4. "Thoroughly overrated. Not a fan"
5. "I was blown away by the rudeness! After experiencing typical, hipster Sydney rudeness a few months ago I thought I'd give this place one more chance. Boy, did they fill the cliche yet again. My friend and I have just walked out after basically being told to hurry up and order."
6. "Getting a bit shabby, the cups and cutlery looking worn out from the dishwasher.When we went last time Sunday around noon, many things unavailable on menu. Would love to love this place but in reality it looks good from a distance but fails to deliver. If you don't know any better you will love it."
7. "staff dress kinda like hippies - adds a certain flair"

The Restaurant

A. Grill'd Narre Warren,
B. Momofuku Seibo, Sydney
C. Jamie's Italian, Perth
D. Vue De Monde, Melbourne
E. Bourke St Bakery, Sydney
F. Laduree, Sydney
G. Chin Chin, Melbourne




Answers: 1G, 2B, 3C, 4D, 5E, 6F, 7A

5 extreme new macaron flavours to attract food bloggers!

Flavours designed to entice food bloggers are a chink in the armour of even the most panoplied patisserie. Bandwagon Magazine, as always, is here to help.

Horse manure

We recommend only using the manure of a horse with traceable pedigree. A horse that has been finished on grass will yield superior results to those that are finished on grain.

For the filling
6g sheet gelatin
350ml milk
150gm organic horse manure.

Soak gelatin in cold water for 15 minutes. Soak horse manure in milk and strain through muslin. Remove gelatin from cold water, heat in saucepan and add the strained milk. Pipe filling into macarons.

Lube

You should never cook with a personal lubricant that you wouldn't drink yourself.

For the filling
Squeeze lube into the centre of the macarons, directly from tube.

Cuban cigar ash

Nothing says luxury like the burnt remnants of leafy crop grown in a Communist dictatorship. At step 11, add 50gms of cigar ash.

Pocari Sweat

Nobody knows what Pocari Sweat is, but what we do know is that it tastes the same as the tears of Pierre Hermé, weeping as a child upon discovering that his parents were forcing him into the pastry industry.

For the filling
6g sheet gelatin
350ml Pocari Sweat

Soak gelatin in cold water for 15 minutes. Remove gelatin from cold water, heat in saucepan and add Pocari Sweat. Pipe filling into macarons.

Food Coloring

The deep irony behind macarons is that nobody can ever pick any of the separate flavours. At step 10, add a few drops of food coloring.

Macaron Pro Tips

• The most common reason for failed macarons is that your life is a failure. Why else would you be obsessing over baked goods?
• Egg whites used in macarons should be aged in lead-lined box inside your home’s cheese cave (Bandwagon’s preferred cheese cave diggers are listed in the advertising section and kindly sponsored this post)
• After piping the macarons onto a silicon baking mat, allow them to sit for 22 minutes before placing them in the oven, while you weep inconsolably about the inconsistently piped macarons. Hide in your cheese cave so that nobody will notice.

Ingredient formula

By now, you have probably memorised this formula. To refresh your memory.

Ingredient		Amount
Almond meal		1.44 x eggwhite
Icing sugar		1.25 x almond meal
Sugar		1.28 x icing sugar
Water		0.325 x almond meal
Egg white

Method

1. Divide the egg white into two equal amounts, placing one half in a small bowl and the other into a lead-lined box to age (see pro tips).
2. Stack two heavy baking trays. Line the top tray with silicon mat. Line the bottom tray with another heavy baking tray. Line the top tray with the bottom tray. Draw some lines on the silicon mat in the shape of macarons.
3. Place the sugar and water in a small saucepan and leave to stand for two days. Scrape off any mold that grows.
4. Blend the icing sugar and almond meal in your home colloid mill to achieve a fine powder. Any leftover powder can be pressed into pills and sold to indiscriminate drug users.
5. Place the sugar and water in the saucepan over low heat, until it reaches 117.4oC
6. Beat the egg white in your small bowl until it makes firm peaks and a gentle cooing sound. 
7. Set the beater to the “ambulatory” setting and slowly pour the syrup into the beaten egg 
8. Once the syrup is added, increase the beater’s speed to “fast gallop” and beat for 14 minutes until the meringue warms to your human touch. 
9. Pour the egg white retrieved from the cave (see pro tips) onto the almond/icing sugar powder. Pour on the beaten, cooing egg white. 
10. Mix the ingredients with a spatula using a Brownian motion around, across or through the bowl.
11. Add the extra flavouring ingredients, and pipe onto the silicon mat.
12. Bake at 161oC for 19 mins.
13. Remove from oven and attempt to peel from tray; contemplate the crumbled mess that your life has become.

Mongrel Lap-Dog Bites back!

“Where are the mongrels of the blogging community? The dissenting voices? The anarchists?”

Was this a cry for Yelp? A lamenting geyser for Trip Advisor? A lampoon of Urban Spoon? A wishful epilogue for Menu Log? No, these forums are apparently OK.  

No this was Food Blogger Baiting on a slow news day. 

Disconcertingly, for someone apparently ahead of the curve, his was a late arrival in the snaking conga line of professional journalists who get stuck into bloggers. We’ve heard it all before,

They take freebies blah blah. They are sell-outs, blah blah. Yawn.

I will give credit where credit is due though; Food bloggers as PR Lap-dogs is Gold!

Firstly let us tell you how he arrived at this point.

Many moons ago lived a reviewer who wielded a mighty power. He cut a divisive swathe through the restaurant scene and all dutifully fell into line behind his judgment lest they be cast to the ‘outer’.

After some time at the top of his game a rival paper lured him away and like Mick Malthouse he found himself suiting up in the wrong teams’ colours.

It was then as if overnight, he vanished from view, his powers dissipated and his opinions unheeded...

Meanwhile his new employers began to rattle their sabres. ‘We thought you had everyone’s ear? You’re supposed to be the big Cheese’ they said, their words stinging.

Something had to be done to regain his grip on influence.

Flicking through the Critics Playbook he arrived at page 45 and the chapter entitled,

‘How to take down a legend’.

He gobbled up the instruction and before we knew it, a venerable restaurant in every state had been roasted without mercy.

The readership spiked and the bosses re-sheathed their cutlasses. He could breathe easy again.

For a while that is.

Once again he needed to appease his masters.

Whilst dancing to the papers pipers tune he desperately threw ideas at the board until one of them stuck.

‘A fifty hottest list you say?’ they said glancing approvingly at each other.

‘Why yyyyes, it’ll be huge, all of those jokers will fall over themselves to be included’ he stammered, relieved.

The circulation spiked again and the chiefs were appeased.

He wasn’t going to let this uncertainty happen again and so he devised a plan to fan the flames of his audience by baiting those amateur critics out there.

But for ho long will this desperate scheme last? Isn’t it better to make yourself relevant in an ever changing world? As the bloggers Stat-Counters demonstrate, content is King.

If we could draw a comparison between the reviewer in question and Kim Jong Un, it would go like this: 

Both suffer from an attention seeking disorder, both feel the need to exercise power by baiting their detractors and it seems everyone thinks they’d do a better job than themselves.

Thankyou, for bringing out the mongrel in us.

the secret world of Cook it Raw-we open the door!

'Who are, who are, who are we..C'mon dudes, chant it in time for crissakes!'

We had a good old belly laugh here at Bandwagon with the re-publication of Tony Bourdains article on Cook it Raw in this weeks Melbourne Epicure.

If ever an article jumped the shark it was this one.

Restaurants are about consistency and the chance to be creative for creativities sake is almost impossible-said Bourdain.

We nearly fell over backwards laughing so hard!

Those poor chefs! I hope none of them hack off their ears like Van Gogh or top themselves due to creative angst?!

Luckily there is a sanctuary of sorts in the form of Cook it raw.

Quite a brilliant marketing idea really. Get a whole bunch of invite-only uber-chefs together, form a club or push of sorts, set them out in the wild to forage and hunt and then come back to the kitchens and come up with something so highbrow that most people looking for a hot dinner won’t understand.

That makes sense. Not.

Are these chefs cooking for themselves or their customers or worse, the recognition of their peers? Oh and we should say ‘dudes’. That’s right; so far not one female chef in the whole world has been invited!

When we began to sniff around and make some enquiries about Cook it raw we ran into several shut doors. It seems the machinations of this clandestine sect are not for the publics’ eye. In fact the process of invitation is a well kept secret.

However a chance meeting in Lappeenranta, Finland, last year with a high ranking McDonalds executive and one of bandwagons more comely staff reporters in a local bar divulged some incredible intel.

From what we can gather and this is yet to be confirmed, McDonalds has not only instigated the Cook it raw initiative but has bankrolled the whole shebang! The theory was if they could get all these self-obsessed chefs away from their stoves to navel-gaze out in some field in Jutland or whatever then come back to their kitchen and cook this way out stuff-then their customers would leave and come back in droves to McDonalds.

A chillingly clever ploy and one that we’re keen to see play out. Have these uber-chefs been duped into believing their own publicity? Only time will tell.