5 extreme new macaron flavours to attract food bloggers!

Flavours designed to entice food bloggers are a chink in the armour of even the most panoplied patisserie. Bandwagon Magazine, as always, is here to help.

Horse manure

We recommend only using the manure of a horse with traceable pedigree. A horse that has been finished on grass will yield superior results to those that are finished on grain.

For the filling
6g sheet gelatin
350ml milk
150gm organic horse manure.

Soak gelatin in cold water for 15 minutes. Soak horse manure in milk and strain through muslin. Remove gelatin from cold water, heat in saucepan and add the strained milk. Pipe filling into macarons.

Lube

You should never cook with a personal lubricant that you wouldn't drink yourself.

For the filling
Squeeze lube into the centre of the macarons, directly from tube.

Cuban cigar ash

Nothing says luxury like the burnt remnants of leafy crop grown in a Communist dictatorship. At step 11, add 50gms of cigar ash.

Pocari Sweat

Nobody knows what Pocari Sweat is, but what we do know is that it tastes the same as the tears of Pierre Hermé, weeping as a child upon discovering that his parents were forcing him into the pastry industry.

For the filling
6g sheet gelatin
350ml Pocari Sweat

Soak gelatin in cold water for 15 minutes. Remove gelatin from cold water, heat in saucepan and add Pocari Sweat. Pipe filling into macarons.

Food Coloring

The deep irony behind macarons is that nobody can ever pick any of the separate flavours. At step 10, add a few drops of food coloring.

Macaron Pro Tips

• The most common reason for failed macarons is that your life is a failure. Why else would you be obsessing over baked goods?
• Egg whites used in macarons should be aged in lead-lined box inside your home’s cheese cave (Bandwagon’s preferred cheese cave diggers are listed in the advertising section and kindly sponsored this post)
• After piping the macarons onto a silicon baking mat, allow them to sit for 22 minutes before placing them in the oven, while you weep inconsolably about the inconsistently piped macarons. Hide in your cheese cave so that nobody will notice.

Ingredient formula

By now, you have probably memorised this formula. To refresh your memory.

Ingredient		Amount
Almond meal		1.44 x eggwhite
Icing sugar		1.25 x almond meal
Sugar		1.28 x icing sugar
Water		0.325 x almond meal
Egg white

Method

1. Divide the egg white into two equal amounts, placing one half in a small bowl and the other into a lead-lined box to age (see pro tips).
2. Stack two heavy baking trays. Line the top tray with silicon mat. Line the bottom tray with another heavy baking tray. Line the top tray with the bottom tray. Draw some lines on the silicon mat in the shape of macarons.
3. Place the sugar and water in a small saucepan and leave to stand for two days. Scrape off any mold that grows.
4. Blend the icing sugar and almond meal in your home colloid mill to achieve a fine powder. Any leftover powder can be pressed into pills and sold to indiscriminate drug users.
5. Place the sugar and water in the saucepan over low heat, until it reaches 117.4oC
6. Beat the egg white in your small bowl until it makes firm peaks and a gentle cooing sound. 
7. Set the beater to the “ambulatory” setting and slowly pour the syrup into the beaten egg 
8. Once the syrup is added, increase the beater’s speed to “fast gallop” and beat for 14 minutes until the meringue warms to your human touch. 
9. Pour the egg white retrieved from the cave (see pro tips) onto the almond/icing sugar powder. Pour on the beaten, cooing egg white. 
10. Mix the ingredients with a spatula using a Brownian motion around, across or through the bowl.
11. Add the extra flavouring ingredients, and pipe onto the silicon mat.
12. Bake at 161oC for 19 mins.
13. Remove from oven and attempt to peel from tray; contemplate the crumbled mess that your life has become.